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Awkward Moments of Parenting“, will be a short-form series about my awkward experiences within this theme. Just remember to laugh with me instead of at me, because your time will come.

The year was 1996, and while in the car with my Mom I heard an advertisement for the movie, “Mallrats” played over the car radio. Eventually I rented both “Clerks” & “Mallrats”, and fell madly in love with both of these movies. I memorized the dialogue, and idolized the characters of “Randall” and “Brody”.

“Say would you like a chocalate covered pretzel?”

A year into this obsession I was excited to find out the next Kevin Smith film “Chaising Amy”, would be playing at my local theater. It was the first of his movies to play in a theater near me. I told my Mom I wanted to see this movie. She thought it was a romantic comedy, and said, “lets go together”. I thought this was a good idea.

We sat down in the theater and right-away I could tell my Mom was not the only person confused by the romantic-comedy like title. I pointed towards three old ladies and whispered, “Those people will leave this movie in less than 15 minutes”.

Then this happens:

We hysterically laughed, and those three ladies walked out immediately. The experience of laughing at adult humor with my mother was fun for a moment, but just like those old ladies we probably should have walked out as-well.

Everything went downhill fast as the movie goes down a non-stop rabbit hole of homosexuality and homophobia, accompanied by the patent Kevin Smith sexual vulgarity.

We were not a family that discussed sex, and we definitely did not talk about gay sex. As someone contemplating my future as a parent, it blows my mind to consider being in my Mother’s shoes for that awkward silent car ride home. Less than two-years prior to that day, I was watching the Ninja Turtles, and now I was laughing at lesbian fisting jokes.

I wonder what kind of movie or art your developing mind will gravitate towards. Will I hang in there and soldier through this transition as courageously as my Mother did.


Hi Avery,

If I can teach you one lesson, pertaining to the culture and dynamics of human-nature, it would be this:

Power Corrupts.

This rule is to human-nature, as gravity is to the universe, and as your father, protector and provider, it is my responsibility to wield the powers of adulthood for the betterment of your well-being. This role and duty is inherently a corruption of my will. The irony is that I myself, to this very day, still battle the will of my parents, and I anticipate, that I always will. Power just isn’t something you ask for, or something life just hands you, it’s something you fight for. So I expect, anticipate, and plan for, all the love and happiness we shared over your childhood, to be put aside, and I encourage you to challenge the authority of your captures.

I forgive you Avery, for I know that if I do my job right, you will not go silently into that good night. I said and did horrible things to both of my parents, and we survived. Even so, when I spend time with them, I often want to apologize for my rebellion, and what I think is guilt, may actually just be appreciation, admiration, and eventual inspiration.

Hopefully, I’m ready Avery, or as ready as I can be; either way, I will try to rememeber, that my goal is to survive this war, because there is no victor, just another recruit

From one warrior to another, bring it on brat.

Inspired by this guy:

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